Recently a friend used the phrase “survival mode” and it stopped me in my tracks. I realized I’ve been functioning in survival mode lately and that explained a lot.
I never planned to be a single parent, let alone a widowed mama to four unique kids with a variety of needs. Lately all that I’m NOT doing right has been plaguing me. The ghost of the mom I once was and the voices of what I feared others thought of me were loud.
I used to be a mom who planned fun family outings every stinkin’ week of summer.
I used to be the mom who boldly painted my home because life is too short for white walls. (Seriously, I hate white walls.)
I used to be the mom on top of multiple activities, making sure my kids had fun opportunities.
I used to be the mom who remembered what her kids needed from the store and important appointments that needed to be made.
I used to be the mom who didn’t feel so exhausted all the time.
Now I look at the ratty edges of the ottoman in the living room and beat myself up for not reupholstering it. (I’m sure I pinned a tutorial on a Pinterest board somewhere.) Now I stare at the white walls that are everywhere in my house, wondering why I can’t seem to find the time or energy to pick a new color and just do it already. Now I make three trips to Walmart in a week because I keep forgetting a few things. Now I fear my children’s childhoods are passing by and I’m letting them down.